Snark, Critic and Pop!

When I found out last night that the premier of Sharktopus was NEXT week, and not this week I was heartbroken.  What could possibly fill the void left by the vanished promise of awful plots, terrible acting and abysmal “special” effects?  Luckily for me, The Howling III – The Marsupials was available on demand for only $1.99.  Not only that, they will let me watch it over and over again for the next month at no additional charge.  Apparently Time Warner is under the impression that lobotomizing it’s customers is a good idea.

The Howling III is the story of Australians who have been possessed by the spirit of the extinct Tasmanian wolf and have become lycanthropes.  They live in the town of Flow (Spoiler alert – don’t read that backwards).  Jerboa (Imogen Annesley) runs away from the clan because the clan leader rapes her.  She makes her way to Sydney where she is discovered by Donny who gets her a job as an actress in a horror movie.  When told she is going to get gang raped by four werewolves in the first scene she laughs thus indicating while she herself was raped, she has gotten over it in 48 hours.  As viewers we now now – she’s a survivor.  This is just one indication of the genius of director Philippe Mora.  Another is when in the next scene the cast goes to a showing of the previous terrible horror film the director has made.  It is the first time Jerboa has seen a film, and she is amused because she knows that werewolves aren’t really like that.  While as the viewer you are caught up in the brilliance of the film within a film and begin comparing in your mind this work to Hamlet you are secretly lulled into lower expectations of The Howling as the film they watch is just terrible.  Donny and Jerboa wind up in bed together and fall in love instantly, and Donny has no misgivings about the relationship besides noticing that Jerboa has a very hairy stomach and a pouch.  Well, at the wrap party the strobe lights, and awful dancing of her cast mates cause her to turn into a werewolf.  She flees the party and is hit by a bar which winds up being good for her since other werewolves dressed as nuns show up to the party to bring her back home.  Well, it’s not totally good for her as she winds up in the ICU and her secret is discovered.  We also find out she is pregnant.  It only gets better from here…

The nun/werewolves kill everyone in the hospital and bring her back home.  Donny of course goes looking for her because the shock of her being a werewolf is not enough to put him off her.  And lets be honest, how shocking was it?  I mean, she was obviously not your ordinary girl and if she was Donny has some very strange fetishes.  Jerboa then gives birth to a slimy half human/half mutant werewolf/half dreadful special effects mutant which crawls in her pouch and grow very quickly.  Kudos to you if you keep watching.  The movie gets more bizarre from here as we learn about a papal conspiracy to destroy werewolves and the military and rednecks look to destroy Flow and all it stands for.  Whatever that is.  Right now you are probably saying to yourself “Will I like this movie?” – well, did you like such classic films as Hell Comes to Frogtown and Leprechaun 4: In Space?  If the answer is yes, then why are you still reading?  Why aren’t you running to Red Box, I am sure they have this!