Snark, Critic and Pop!

Teen heartthrob Steven Seagal is back in the news!  And this time it’s not his dope music, it’s for allegedly killing a puppy while performing a raid on a suspected cockfighting ring as part of Seagal’s law enforcement reality show.  You know Steven Seagal is in law enforcement now, right?  When you can’t get arrested in Hollywood, become a cop. It’s either that or make Mega Monster movies for the Asylum (Steven Seagal in Mega Rooster vs. Ten Ton Puppy?).

The article (from TMZ, so take it with a grain of salt) states in part, “Seagal arrived to his home on March 9 with a TANK — and rammed into a gate on his property. Seagal was backed up by an MCSO Tactical Operations Unit — armed in full riot gear — which stormed the house. The entire incident was captured by a camera crew taping for Seagal’s reality show, “Steven Seagal Lawman.”“  The alleged rooster raiser claims he raises the animals “for show.”  Yeah, and Brian throws cats in the river to see if they are witches.

In an unrelated story, former convicted dog killer/torturer Michael Vick just signed a $100 million dollar contract with the Philadelphia Eagles.  Maybe some alleged dog cruelty is just what the doctor ordered to get Under Siege 3 greenlit!

Oh, Ramon, you have done it again you kooky freak!

In a great ad campaign, Ogilvy & Mather have created a print campaign for scale model maker Tamiya featuring sadly non-existent conspiracy theory model kits like the fake moon landing.  I can’t tell if the director is Stanley Kubrick or not, but we could always paint him that way if we chose.  Other conspiracies include Elvis Presley, Roswell, JFK’s assassination, and the Marilyn Monroe suicide.  I am not sure why they have JFK’s assassination listed as a conspiracy as we all know he was killed by Fidel Castro because of his mob ties in the USSR…

If Michael Jackson were alive today, the world would be a much different place. Children wouldn’t be able to live in a world free of the threat of abuse (Well, they could unless they had parent who rented them out to a man who named his kid Blanket…) In honor of the Michael’s birthday I present the following moving tribute:

Matisyahu, doing my peeps proud.

Good news, AC Slater fans!  Former Saved By the Bell hearthrob and, more recently, star of such films as “Dragon Fighter” and The Dog Who Saved Christmas, Mario Lopez is back on network TV!

Bad news, AC Slater fans!  That network is the CW.  Even worse news AC Slater fans, the concept of the show is that, with the aid of host Mario, ”Celebrities go head-to-head with civilians who hate them to win their “haters” over.”  The *cough* celebrities being promoted include Kim Kardashian and Snooki.  Wow, how did they find civilians who don’t care for those two? 

Look for the episode where I go head to head with my celebrity nemesis, Gates McFadden.  Sample of my audition tape: Boo, Gates!  Bring back Dr. Pulaski!  Diana Muldaur or death!!  Boo!

Let’s watch a preview, shall we? (continue reading…)

From The Swirling Eddies and the brilliant mind of frontman Terry Scott Taylor, one of the more controversial Christian rock bands. Yes, it’s a Christian song: (continue reading…)

News from our friends in Warren, Michigan, who find the strangest targets for their aiding and abetting tendancies:

Warren Cracks Down On Those Who Harbor Mosquitoes

For those of you who liked Ramon Films’ classic Tebaatusasula, may I present another Ugandan action flick, RESCUE TEAM?

Ah, how we all dread the scariest words in the English language – “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.”  But cute, 11-year old girls saving an endangered bird from a cat and releasing it safely into the wild is a story we can all get behind, right?  If ye be so naive, check this news story out: 

FREDERICKSBURG, Va. (WUSA) — Eleven-year-old aspiring veterinarian, Skylar Capo, sprang into action the second she learned that a baby woodpecker in her Dad’s backyard was about to be eaten by the family cat.

“I’ve just always loved animals,” said Skylar Capo. “I couldn’t stand to watch it be eaten.” (continue reading…)

Stop me when this one sounds familiar: A dangerous, previously extinct animal is cloned, and – totally unexpectantly — things go awry.  I know I should stop there, but I won’t.

The animal in question is a sabretooth tiger, great, great (308x) granddaddy to X-Man Wolverine’s archnemesis.   You’d think the Sketchy, B-Movie Science Lab competant enough to clone a sabretooth would not simultaneously be the world’s most careless lab, but you would be wrong.  

In this lab, the janitor has the access and passcode to enter the cloned sabretooth tiger cage.  In the opening scene, the intrepid janitor enters the seemingly vacated sabretooth room in order to clean the inside of the glass.  While the janitor succeeds in the short term — the window is cleaner for his efforts, kudos! — he fails in the long term — the window then becomes stained with his blood as the tiger rips his intestines apart. (continue reading…)

The SyFy Channel premeires a new, original movie this Saturday, Killer Mountain! The title sounds entertaining — not Hobo With A Shotgun entertaining, but still — but this “sneak peak” looks downright bad bad. Not fun bad, but bad bad, or just plain dull:


(continue reading...)