Snark, Critic and Pop!

Stop me when this one sounds familiar: A dangerous, previously extinct animal is cloned, and – totally unexpectantly — things go awry.  I know I should stop there, but I won’t.

The animal in question is a sabretooth tiger, great, great (308x) granddaddy to X-Man Wolverine’s archnemesis.   You’d think the Sketchy, B-Movie Science Lab competant enough to clone a sabretooth would not simultaneously be the world’s most careless lab, but you would be wrong.  

In this lab, the janitor has the access and passcode to enter the cloned sabretooth tiger cage.  In the opening scene, the intrepid janitor enters the seemingly vacated sabretooth room in order to clean the inside of the glass.  While the janitor succeeds in the short term — the window is cleaner for his efforts, kudos! — he fails in the long term — the window then becomes stained with his blood as the tiger rips his intestines apart.

Who owns such a lab?  None other than John Rhys-Davies, an actor who never reads the scripts or asks about salary or budget before accepting the part.  Rhys-Davies plays a vapid billionaire whose financing of dino-predator-cloneration somehow is expected to be the key to his Presidential ambitions.  Why not?  Rhys-Davies-Trump 2012!

After the misunderstanding with the janitor, the Sabretooth is being transported in a container without air holes strapped on the back of the truck.  The precious, Presidential Sabretooth is entrusted to a lone truck driver who, in his own words, gets jobs “because he doesn’t ask questions.”   It’s not because he stays awake well, as he dozes behind the wheel, crashes, and unleashes the Sabretooth on an unwitting populace.

The unwitting poppulee includes is kung fu master “Trent,” one of nature guides in training on a nature walk thing.  Josh Holloway, before his career making role as Sawyer from Lost, plays Trent.  Trent is kinda like Sawyer, if you trade all of Sawyer’s personality for the ability to do a spinkick.

Trent and his buddies are the unwitting targets of the Sabretooth, as the billionaire would-be President and the would-be hottie scientist who cloned the thing (Vanessa Angel) try to capture the beast, alive!

Wow what a fun/bad movie.  Come for the cheap digital sabretooth, stay for the scene with Josh Holloway battling the sabretooth with spin kickery.  The only thing that could top it is Jean-Claude Van Damme in Jurassic Park IV.