No, this is not your granddad’s Three Musketeers. You know, the 1,383rd adaptation of Alexander Dumas’ literary classic that no one reads outside book reports. (The 1,382nd Musketeer remake discreetly slunk in and quietly out of theaters this week, despite the undeniable star power of Orlando Bloom.)
Hey, you big Dumas, if I had the high school English teachers lobby in my back pocket, my novel Perfecta would be a literary classic too!
Nay, our friends at the Asylum have opted to modernize the Three Musketeers, and replace the “Three” with a “3″ so that their movie shows up earlier in the online ques.
This adaptation is set in the modern day world. The Musketeers are an elite special forces unit. There’s Aramis (Michele Boyd) the tough chick musketeerette; Athos (Xin Sarith Wuku) the kung fu musketeer who wastes no opportunity to flip over desks, jump off ledges, and spin-kick faces; and Porthos (Keith Allen) the allegedly funny, computer wiz musketeer. Of course, they loyally serve the King — President King (Andy Clemence), that is.
But our beloved Musketeers are framed for downing an airliner while on a special op in North Korea by the treacherous HQ known as the Cardinal, run by Treville (Alan Rachins).
Enter Agent D’Artangan (Heather Hemmens, a promising young actress) who investigates the conspiracy surrounding the downed airliner and the framed Musketeers, and ends up joining forces with the fugitives to save the President from forces at work in his own government.
What else do you need to know to go out and rent this baby? Did I mention that D’Artangan is an expert at fencing, and that she engages in a climactic duel with the President’s life on the line at Camp David against a dude who looks remarkably like Rob Lowe???
The Asylum’s 3 Musketeers is b-movie gold. Buy it where you work or bank today!
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