Snark, Critic and Pop!

There are two kinds of people in the world.  1) Those who cannot fathom spending an hour and a half watching a low-budget movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack.  2)  Cinematic masochists who cannot wait to spend an hour and a half watching a low-budget movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack.   If you’re like me — and I know I am — you just spent 90 of the greatest minutes of your life watching a pre-release copy of 2-Headed Shark Attack (thank you, Asylum!). 

The set-up for Doublemint Jaws munching is a semester on the ocean.  It’s cool Professor Babbish (Charlie O’Connell, appearing mid-way in transformation from brother Jerry O’Connell to pseudo-Kevin Sorbo), his wife/assistant Anne (Carmen Electra), and a very crowded boat full of college students/shark appetizers.  The students are a lively bunch, very compliant at standing two-by-two, an equal distance apart, to allow the 2 headed shark to perform simultaneous chomps to the audience’s delight.  (continue reading…)

A scene from the “classic” Italian post-Atlantis Apocalyptic film Raider of Atlantis. At 1:34 comes what is arguably the greatest worst line in bad movie history:

I’m dipping into the vault for a review of the Asylum’s adaptation of Jules Verne’s classic novel, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea! Say what you will, but this film definitively answers the question: Is Jules Verne’s work now in the public domain where any studio can make a movie and not have to pay royalties? The answer is yes, friends.

Written in 1869, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea comes from a very different age. For example, people knew what a “league” was back then. No, stupid readers, the title does not imply that there are lots of aquatic sport federations. Leagues would be a measure of distance. 20,000 leagues is the equivalent of . . . a long distance.  To give you some perspective, 20,000 leagues was at least twice as far as 10,000 leagues.  And back in ye olden times, going . . . a long distance underwater is really mind boggling. (continue reading…)

From the 2010 classic Sharktopus: The greatest death scene ever. “Oh no. Not like this!”

I have been pretty hard on Jean-Claude Van Damme in the past, especially in my runaway bestseller Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies.  But good ol’ JCVD is one of the best things in the subject of today’s rant, 1999’s Universal Soldier: The Return.  I’m sad to say that this was the last big budget, mass marketed Van Damme movie to date.  Tragic.  It’s a shame because when compared to the acting skills of co-star Bill Goldberg, Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like an Academy Award winner. 

This is ironically a variation of the technique Sylvester Stallone & Napoleon Bonaparte used in their prime.  Stand by someone smaller, you appear taller in comparison.  This is the only reason a sane movie star like Stallone would voluntarily pair himself on screen twice opposite diminutive comedian Rob Schneider.  I also believe this is why Estelle Getty was chosen – of all the qualified Golden Girls – for that career making role in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.  Everyone knew that role was made for Rue McLannahan, but Getty was the shortest. 

But I digress. (continue reading…)

Coming October 29th to the SyFy Channel, is an Asylum original movie starring VING RHAMES: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Here at SnarkCriticPop, we watch and talk a LOT of movies. Upon occasion watching a movie feels like an obligation for the sake of a good blog (see: Streets of Fire), and I can kind of see why some movie critics hate movies.  I don’t hate movies, but I would like to talk about a fine, seldom used alternative to movie watching, a little something I like to call: READING.

I did some quick research on Wikipedia, and I discovered some interesting facts regarding reading: Did you know that reading was invented by Thomas Edison as a method of exploiting his invention called papyrus, which we now refer to as paper?  Blind people had actually been reading lips for several years prior to Edison, but since they could not find the patent office until it was too late, Edison owns the trademark on reading which is why blind people and astute readers like me have to pay a fee to Edison’s estate any time we read something. (Okay Wikipedia’s not quite THAT bad, but any resource where Howie Mandel can be a contributor on John Adams I don’t trust . . .)

One book I’ve recently been reading is A Year At The Movies by Kevin Murphy.  Murphy, for those who don’t know, is one of the writers and stars of my favorite TV show of all time, Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K), playing the robot Tom Servo and Professor Bobo the Gorilla.  (continue reading…)

Leprachaun 4: In Space is a film about a leprechaun.  In Space.  If we ever discover life on another planet, we should send them this film as a message of greeting and an explanation of what we, the human race, are all about.  If nothing else it would assure them Earth is not worth visiting, and if there is one thing we don’t need more of, it is undocumented aliens.

The great Warwick Davis reprises his role as leprechaun who seems to have infinite powers, and infinitely bad decision skills.  The film opens on a space ship, where space marines who are oblivious to the fact that they seem to be riding in a piece of cardboard and plastic painted to look like a space ship are preparing to attack what can only be assumed is the leprechaun home world.  One of the marines is named Lucky – spoiler alert – guess who dies first!  (continue reading…)

“It’s Distilled Insanity!” (continue reading…)

The Korean version of Godzilla, Yongary, (every country with cinemas and enormous, warm rocks has a mutant lizard problem) gets down with his bad self:

(Thanks to Shannon for sending the vid!)

Often, we here at SnarkCriticPop post about forthcoming flicks that we think are going to be fun/bad.  One such film I posted the trailer of back in Junewas BloodRayne: Third Reich.  From the world’s worst director Uwe Boll (don’t believe me?  Watch this movie) and featuring a leather clad vampire hottie battling Nazis, how could we be wrong?  Well, quite frankly, I’m not entirely sure how, because my brain in some manner of failsafe has wiped the movie from my memory banks. 

I have a distinct memory of plucking BloodRayne: Third Reich from a local RedBox.  I remember taking it excitedly to the Bad Movie Night Crew’s weekly get-together.  And I remember head-achy confusion.  I remember wanting to challenge Uwe Boll to a boxing match, but realizing that I may never regain strength in my arms to eat a Dorito much less box a bad director.  (continue reading…)

Next up from Rifftrax, “Abraxas” starring former pro wrestler turned Minnesota Governor (a natural transition) turned nutjob, Jesse Ventura!