Snark, Critic and Pop!

Look out, friends and fellow bad movie lovers - there’s a killer on the loose in the bayou, and he has it in for some inbred hicks!  If that’s not enough for you, what if I told you the killer is a werewolf?  Still not enough?  All right, demanding consumer, how’s this for a hook: The killer is also left-handed!  (One might say he’s a “southpaw,” so to speak.)  David Janssen (The Fugitive) stars as the smalltown Sheriff who has to track the furry killer down even as he courts the sexiest senior citizen in Louisiana and protect the wrongfully accused wild dog population from the trigger happy yokels.  Yes, all that and more in this 1972 made-for-TV “classic” Moon of the Wolf! 

Join Film Is Pwn’s resident riffers Brian Alterman and Daniel Roos for this Nixon Administration-era cheesefest.  You won’t believe some clueless studio executives let this cinematic gem slip into the public domain.  But their loss is your video on demand gain – download the movie and commentary for one low, low price.

“Mutant” apparently means “Zombies”:

*This review appeared on our old, now defunct site Film.IsPwn.com and appeared in my non-selling book, Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies.  I am scheduling it to re-post so there is some dandy, nice reading while I’m on vacation.  Enjoy, won’t you?  Then buy the book, for Pete’s sake!* 

 Brenda Starr (1989)

Starring: Brooke Shields, Timothy Dalton, Tony Peck, Jeffrey Tambor

Directed By: Robert Ellis Miller

With apologies to Jaws 4: The Revenge, which I called “the dumbest film ever made,” Brenda Starr is the dumbest movie ever made.  This is not “you-can-see-the-monster’s-zipper” stupidity or “the-digital-monsters-look-cheaper-than-Howdy-Doody” terrible.  Brenda Starr is “Let’s-Give-Chevy-Chase-A-Late-Night-Talkshow” caliber buffoonery from its very conception.

Brenda Starr is based on a long-running comic strip of the same name that I vaguely remember seeing many moons ago, when I actually got a newspaper and would turn to the funny pages for Calvin & Hobbes.  (For you youngsters out there, newspapers are kind of like web sites on paper.) (continue reading…)

Anaconda 3: Offspring.  Starring David Hasselhoff.  Really, what more do you need to know?

Seriously, why are you still reading this?  Shouldn’t you be bolting for the nearest video store (which, granted, is probably a hundred miles away)?  Go on, you don’t need to read the rest of the blog.  This will still be online when you get back home and after you have watched and immediately rewatched Anaconda 3: Offspring, in order to pick up on all the plot details you may have missed the first time.  I mean, the anaconda was Keyser Soze the WHOLE TIME?  Whoa! 

Perhaps the greatest atrocity of the entire affair is that Anaconda 3: Offspring first aired on television (in the prestigious Sci-Fi Channel Saturday night timeslot, back before they forgot how to spell SyFy) and thus disqualified the film from qualifying for an Academy Award due to the most absurd of technicalities.  David Hasselhoff ascends to the status of Hollywood Legend with his performance as the revered snake wrangler known only as “Hammett.”  The way Hasselhoff recites his lines, you’d swear you were listening to Hamlet instead of Hammett.  (continue reading…)

A new Rifftrax movie available to download on their website, Mesa of Lost Women! (continue reading…)

It’s a great day to be an American . . . especially if you’re a fan of Rifftrax and/or Mystery Science Theater 3000. Today Rifftrax announced the date of their next live event to be simulcast in theaters:

August 16th, when Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy will revisit “Manos” The Hands of Fate live in theaters nationwide! Torgo is back, and he’s lamer than ever!

For those who don’t know, Manos: The Hands of Fate is inarguably the worst film ever made. It’s virtually unwatchable and incomprehensible without the riffing. Try to watch it sans commentary, I dare you. But, if you’re feeling quasi-daring, just check out this “Best of the MST3K Manos episode” youtube montage: (continue reading…)

There are two kinds of people in the world.  1) Those who cannot fathom spending an hour and a half watching a low-budget movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack.  2)  Cinematic masochists who cannot wait to spend an hour and a half watching a low-budget movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack.   If you’re like me — and I know I am — you just spent 90 of the greatest minutes of your life watching a pre-release copy of 2-Headed Shark Attack (thank you, Asylum!). 

The set-up for Doublemint Jaws munching is a semester on the ocean.  It’s cool Professor Babbish (Charlie O’Connell, appearing mid-way in transformation from brother Jerry O’Connell to pseudo-Kevin Sorbo), his wife/assistant Anne (Carmen Electra), and a very crowded boat full of college students/shark appetizers.  The students are a lively bunch, very compliant at standing two-by-two, an equal distance apart, to allow the 2 headed shark to perform simultaneous chomps to the audience’s delight.  (continue reading…)

A scene from the “classic” Italian post-Atlantis Apocalyptic film Raider of Atlantis. At 1:34 comes what is arguably the greatest worst line in bad movie history:

I’m dipping into the vault for a review of the Asylum’s adaptation of Jules Verne’s classic novel, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea! Say what you will, but this film definitively answers the question: Is Jules Verne’s work now in the public domain where any studio can make a movie and not have to pay royalties? The answer is yes, friends.

Written in 1869, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea comes from a very different age. For example, people knew what a “league” was back then. No, stupid readers, the title does not imply that there are lots of aquatic sport federations. Leagues would be a measure of distance. 20,000 leagues is the equivalent of . . . a long distance.  To give you some perspective, 20,000 leagues was at least twice as far as 10,000 leagues.  And back in ye olden times, going . . . a long distance underwater is really mind boggling. (continue reading…)

From the 2010 classic Sharktopus: The greatest death scene ever. “Oh no. Not like this!”

I have been pretty hard on Jean-Claude Van Damme in the past, especially in my runaway bestseller Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies.  But good ol’ JCVD is one of the best things in the subject of today’s rant, 1999’s Universal Soldier: The Return.  I’m sad to say that this was the last big budget, mass marketed Van Damme movie to date.  Tragic.  It’s a shame because when compared to the acting skills of co-star Bill Goldberg, Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like an Academy Award winner. 

This is ironically a variation of the technique Sylvester Stallone & Napoleon Bonaparte used in their prime.  Stand by someone smaller, you appear taller in comparison.  This is the only reason a sane movie star like Stallone would voluntarily pair himself on screen twice opposite diminutive comedian Rob Schneider.  I also believe this is why Estelle Getty was chosen – of all the qualified Golden Girls – for that career making role in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.  Everyone knew that role was made for Rue McLannahan, but Getty was the shortest. 

But I digress. (continue reading…)

Coming October 29th to the SyFy Channel, is an Asylum original movie starring VING RHAMES: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!