Snark, Critic and Pop!

M. Night Shyamalan is back, and less Shyamalany but just as asinine than ever! Shyamalan, as you may recall, is the director who made his feature film debut with the critically acclaimed and wildly popular Sixth Sense, which had one of the better twist endings in movie history. From there, Shyamalan has gradually regressed. Movies like The Village and Signs had all of Sixth Sense‘s atmosphere and style, but thoroughly under whelming “shocking” endings. 2008′s The Happening was below the bottom of the barrel, a suspense-thriller about killer trees inducing suicide that is so bad it is truly hilarious.

To his credit, Shyamalan changed course with his latest effort, The Last Airbender. Shyamalan has challenged himself to suck outside the thriller genre and without a twist ending. The Last Airbender is a fantasy-adventure.

It doesn’t feel so much like the handiwork of Shyamalan but rather that of George Lucas’ abysmal Star Wars prequels. (continue reading…)

Anaconda 3: Offspring.  Starring David Hasselhoff.  Really, what more do you need to know?

Seriously, why are you still reading this?  Shouldn’t you be bolting for the nearest video store (which, granted, is probably a hundred miles away)?  Go on, you don’t need to read the rest of the blog.  This will still be online when you get back home and after you have watched and immediately rewatched Anaconda 3: Offspring, in order to pick up on all the plot details you may have missed the first time.  I mean, the anaconda was Keyser Soze the WHOLE TIME?  Whoa! 

Perhaps the greatest atrocity of the entire affair is that Anaconda 3: Offspring first aired on television (in the prestigious Sci-Fi Channel Saturday night timeslot, back before they forgot how to spell SyFy) and thus disqualified the film from qualifying for an Academy Award due to the most absurd of technicalities.  David Hasselhoff ascends to the status of Hollywood Legend with his performance as the revered snake wrangler known only as “Hammett.”  The way Hasselhoff recites his lines, you’d swear you were listening to Hamlet instead of Hammett.  (continue reading…)

Look!  Up on the internet!  It’s a bird!  It’s a plain pizza!  It’s another snarky, low-budget, superhero comedy!  This one is called Pizza Man. No, it’s not the Herman Cain movie. *sigh* This Pizza Man stars Malcolm In the Middle’s Frankie Muniz as a loser working in a pizza shop who gains super powers when he eats a experimental tomato.  If there’s any doubt that that the movie lacks blockbuster status, please note that the main villain is played by former pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page.

You can tell the movie is desperately trying to get internet buzz and street cred by its Celebrity Apprentice dream cast, all-star supporting players that includes: Corbin Bernsen, Shelley Long, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Adam West, Michael Gross, and Stan Lee (he’ll cameo in anything!).  The trailer looks like Pizza Man *may* be entertaining, but methinks it’s trying a wee bit to hard: (continue reading…)

Must be read to be believed:

“I love all animals,” Cage tells U.K.’s The Sun. “I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex.”

While he stays away from pork, the actor says he favors eating fish and birds because they are “very dignified with sex.”

“I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles.” (continue reading…)

On the heels of my post detailing Sly Stallone’s beating at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin, comes this wonderful article chronicling the attempts by a 49 year old Van Dam to get a real honest to goodness fight with 3 time Olympian Somluck Kamsing.  Really?  Does he really think this is a good idea?  This is a guy who looses fights with hotel rooms.  Well, the fight would have to take place abroad as it would never be sanctioned in the US.  He is 49 years old for Pete’s sake! (continue reading…)