Tag: Everyone Should Marry Everything
It turns out that when the people of Poland are not putting screen doors on their submarines, or trying to visit the sun at night, they are doing even stupider things. Tomasz Urynowicz fell in love with a beautiful woman (or an ugly woman who a painter did a very poor job of painting) after seeing her in a painting made in 1955. He tried to locate the painter to locate the woman who is old enough to be his grandmother if she is still alive, but was unable to. Did he start dressing in black and bitching about how life is unfair? No, he was a man of action. He decided to marry the painting. I never said the action was a sensible one… quoth Mr. Urynowitz:
“I don’t know what the laws on this sort of thing are in Poland. But if I can’t do it here, I’ll go somewhere else and do it.”
A woman has married the Eiffel Tower, only a year after she ended her high profile relationship with the Washington Monument. Apparently there is something called objectum sexual in which people share romance with inanimate objects. I am not going into any detail, nor shall I speculate. Erika La Tour Eiffel (yes, she took the towers name when they married…) was a soldier and apparently a world class archer who was in love with her bow who was named Lance. The attached article goes into more freaky stuff, like a woman married to the Berlin Wall, and one who has a sexual relationship with her stereo. Proceed at your own risk…
Having hand-reared the bear from a cub, Mr Anderson has forged a close relationship with the 2.3m (7ft 8in) animal and could think of no one better to be at his side for his wedding. (continue reading…)
In our continuing feature on people marrying things, we come across the story of J.D. Hayworth who claims that Massachussetts law allowing for same sex couples to marry can be interpreted to say that a man can marry a horse. No really, he said it:
“You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, when it started this move toward same-sex marriage, actually defined marriage — now get this — it defined marriage as simply, ‘the establishment of intimacy… Now how dangerous is that? I mean, I don’t mean to be absurd about it, but I guess I can make the point of absurdity with an absurd point — I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse. It’s just the wrong way to go”
I totally agree. Why marry the horse? Why not date for awhile and see how things go. Maybe get a place together, get a pet dog and treat it like you child. You need to know if the horse will be a good father before you marry him. And does the horse have a good job? Is he loyal? Will he love you forever?
A German man has married his dying asthmatic cat. Well, he couldn’t legally marry the cat so he paid an actress to officiate the ceremony, rented a tux and top hat (well, I assume rented, but maybe they were left over from the last animal he married) and got some kind of lacy thing to jam on the cat, who by the picture seems thrilled about the whole idea. He said he wanted to marry Celia before she passed away. He also went on to say:
“Cecilia is such a trusting creature. We cuddle all the time and she has always slept in my bed”
OK, creepy, yes, but at least this postal worker’s craziness doesn’t involve automatic weapons. I feel the the USPS should encourage this type of thing among its employees…
In response to young Daniel’s heart warming tale of a man and the dog he loves, I present this oldie but goodie from way back in 2006. (The original article can be found here) While Daniel’s article is one of love… true love… this is one about making an honest woman of a goat. It seems Mr. Tombe was caught in the act of physical love with the goat, and the goats owner Mr. Alifi captured him and tied him up. He asked the village elders what he should do:
“They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife”
Mr. Tombe was forced to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars to Mr. Alifi which is equal to $63.32 today as opposed to $50 when the article was written meaning the Sudanese economy is catching up to us. It’s bad enough I will soon be learning to speak the language of my new red Chinese masters, but then I will have to learn whatever is spoken in Sudan?
. . . Toowoomba man Joseph Guiso (pictured above) has married his adopted five year old Labrador, Honey. The couple’s nuptials were held at dusk earlier this week in front of their closest friends and relatives.
If that sounds creepy or semi-illegal don’t worry. “It’s not sexual,” Guiso assured everyone. “It’s just pure love.”
My comment: Uh, okay . . .
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