Snark, Critic and Pop!

Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of the biggest Hollywood hits ever, and is about to get bigger…. IMAX bigger!  Starting September 7th, there will be a one week limited run in theaters featuring a remastered IMAX version of the film made from the original 35mm film.  Said Spielberg (who would in no way be exaggerating to get us into theaters):

“Suddenly, there was definition in the shadows, which I had never seen before. And the shadows weren’t murky and washed out; they were sharp as a tack… I sat there, I think, probably with my mouth open a little wider than it normally is.”

Most importantly he declared he would not be doing any digital tweaking or adding new effects to the film.  It is almost enough for me to forgive him as using this to promote character ahead of the release of the four film blue ray DVD set coming out shortly after…

Anaconda 3: Offspring.  Starring David Hasselhoff.  Really, what more do you need to know?

Seriously, why are you still reading this?  Shouldn’t you be bolting for the nearest video store (which, granted, is probably a hundred miles away)?  Go on, you don’t need to read the rest of the blog.  This will still be online when you get back home and after you have watched and immediately rewatched Anaconda 3: Offspring, in order to pick up on all the plot details you may have missed the first time.  I mean, the anaconda was Keyser Soze the WHOLE TIME?  Whoa! 

Perhaps the greatest atrocity of the entire affair is that Anaconda 3: Offspring first aired on television (in the prestigious Sci-Fi Channel Saturday night timeslot, back before they forgot how to spell SyFy) and thus disqualified the film from qualifying for an Academy Award due to the most absurd of technicalities.  David Hasselhoff ascends to the status of Hollywood Legend with his performance as the revered snake wrangler known only as “Hammett.”  The way Hasselhoff recites his lines, you’d swear you were listening to Hamlet instead of Hammett.  (continue reading…)

Stop me when this one sounds familiar: A dangerous, previously extinct animal is cloned, and – totally unexpectantly — things go awry.  I know I should stop there, but I won’t.

The animal in question is a sabretooth tiger, great, great (308x) granddaddy to X-Man Wolverine’s archnemesis.   You’d think the Sketchy, B-Movie Science Lab competant enough to clone a sabretooth would not simultaneously be the world’s most careless lab, but you would be wrong.  

In this lab, the janitor has the access and passcode to enter the cloned sabretooth tiger cage.  In the opening scene, the intrepid janitor enters the seemingly vacated sabretooth room in order to clean the inside of the glass.  While the janitor succeeds in the short term — the window is cleaner for his efforts, kudos! — he fails in the long term — the window then becomes stained with his blood as the tiger rips his intestines apart. (continue reading…)