Snark, Critic and Pop!

I saw a familiar title at the Red Box, “Thrill Seekers.” It seems they repackaged the cheap, Casper Van Dien made-for-TV “thriller” which I reviewed years ago on our old site Film Is Pwn. The review appears in the somewhat selling book, Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies, but since I’m not writing many reviews as I labor with a novel-in-progress, I figured I’d repost for your amusement:

Riddle me this, Batman: What do you get when you cross Yours Truly and a $1 DVD bin at a dollar store?  You get the 1999, made-for-cable, Casper Van Dien lost “classic” Thrill Seekers!!!!

Having just witnessed the film and staring at the DVD case, I must take issue with the false advertising.  The cover, featuring a picture of Casper Van Dien looking slightly concerned as he talks on the phone, promises that Thrill Seekers is “YOUR PASSPORT TO DANGER.”

This is patently untrue.

The entirety of the story takes place in the confines of the United States, mostly Chicago, so no passport is mandatory.  Perhaps they are referring to the fact the film was filmed in Canada standing in for America, and in that case you would need your passport.  Or, it is equally likely that the DVD was intended for a foreign audience, and Thrill Seekers would qualify as a “Passport to Danger” if you were watching in North Korea, though I suspect their citizenry need no passport to experience danger. (continue reading…)

Look out, friends and fellow bad movie lovers - there’s a killer on the loose in the bayou, and he has it in for some inbred hicks!  If that’s not enough for you, what if I told you the killer is a werewolf?  Still not enough?  All right, demanding consumer, how’s this for a hook: The killer is also left-handed!  (One might say he’s a “southpaw,” so to speak.)  David Janssen (The Fugitive) stars as the smalltown Sheriff who has to track the furry killer down even as he courts the sexiest senior citizen in Louisiana and protect the wrongfully accused wild dog population from the trigger happy yokels.  Yes, all that and more in this 1972 made-for-TV “classic” Moon of the Wolf! 

Join Film Is Pwn’s resident riffers Brian Alterman and Daniel Roos for this Nixon Administration-era cheesefest.  You won’t believe some clueless studio executives let this cinematic gem slip into the public domain.  But their loss is your video on demand gain – download the movie and commentary for one low, low price.

*This review appeared on our old, now defunct site Film.IsPwn.com and appeared in my non-selling book, Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies.  I am scheduling it to re-post so there is some dandy, nice reading while I’m on vacation.  Enjoy, won’t you?  Then buy the book, for Pete’s sake!* 

 Brenda Starr (1989)

Starring: Brooke Shields, Timothy Dalton, Tony Peck, Jeffrey Tambor

Directed By: Robert Ellis Miller

With apologies to Jaws 4: The Revenge, which I called “the dumbest film ever made,” Brenda Starr is the dumbest movie ever made.  This is not “you-can-see-the-monster’s-zipper” stupidity or “the-digital-monsters-look-cheaper-than-Howdy-Doody” terrible.  Brenda Starr is “Let’s-Give-Chevy-Chase-A-Late-Night-Talkshow” caliber buffoonery from its very conception.

Brenda Starr is based on a long-running comic strip of the same name that I vaguely remember seeing many moons ago, when I actually got a newspaper and would turn to the funny pages for Calvin & Hobbes.  (For you youngsters out there, newspapers are kind of like web sites on paper.) (continue reading…)

Brian, Tom, and I have released our first iRiff (Mystery Science Theater style riffing on bad public domain videos) in 15 months. Check it out at Rifftrax.com here. Click below for two samples of the hi-larity if that doesn’t make sense. Here’s the promotional write-up for the entry:

Before Flash Gordon ever whipped open his trenchcoat at a Chucky Cheese, there was a different kind of pervert permeating our old future: Rocky Jones, Space Ranger.  Rocky is like a Texas Ranger, except his range is the one thing bigger than Texas: SPACE!

(continue reading…)

I am here to post a free chapter from my somewhat-selling book MEGA ROOS VS. GIANT CRAPPY MOVIES. Why? Shameless self-promotion? Well, that’s part of it, yes. But also because I need to bring attention to the subject, a wonderfully bizarre James Bond knock-off from 1987, The Order of the Black Eagle.

I stumbled across the movie by chance on a cable channel that barely exists (MGM-HD). Neither The Order of the Black Eagle nor its predecessor Unmasking the Idol exist on DVD, which is a shame. On DVD you can get Saved By The Bell, any given Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, and 148 different versions of Gattaca, but not a real treasure like The Order of the Black Eagle? This movie needs to be on DVD! I’ll buy like 20 copies!

Heck, I cannot even find clips of this movie on YOUTUBE. If not for my vivid recollections of the balding superspy, his baboon sidekick, the raspberry filled Hitler, and the entry on imdb.com, I might believe that I’d made up the movie in some wild daydream. But it’s real, it’s real, I swear it is real. Without further ado, here is the write-up of The Order of the Black Eagle as it appears in the book: (continue reading…)

Back in our Film Is Pwn days, we used to do these little things called iRiffs — the fanboy version of Rifftrax.com wherein ordinary folks like us could mock bad movies, public domain short films, etc.  It’s been over a year since we did one, but more may *wink* may be in the works.

One of my favorites we did was “Goodbye Mr. Germ” — wherein a scientist fantasizes about a conversation with tuberculosis.  So many great riffs, so little time.  The entire video is for sale at Rifftrax.com for $.98 here, the sample is below:

Gawker.com has published the first exerpts from the first book from Jersey Shore reality diva Snooki.  The literary gems include this dandy:

“Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

It makes me sad that Snooki has sold more books in the time it’s taken you to read this sentence than I’ve sold in my career. Fight evil!   Buy my book!!!!

Hear ye, hear ye!  Is there a coal shortage in your town?  Well my friends, your days of worry and woe are over!  Just in time for unpopular, last minute Christmas gifts, it’s my latest book, Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies!

Ripped from the headlines, Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies is the tale of an orphaned lemur separated from his guardian Owl of Gahoot.  Together with his best friend, a jar of Reece’s Pieces flavored shampoo, he’ll have to find the Scepter of Narnia and rescue the Hobbit Princess!  (Oh, wait, that’s another project I’m working on . . .)

Sorry, Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies is a collection of my favorite terrible movie reviews (terrible refers to the movies not the reviews) from waaaaay back in the day when we were posting at Film.IsPwn.com.

You’re probably saying to yourself, Self, Why would I buy a book that’s available for free on the interweb?  Well, Yourself, I’ll tell Yourself why!  (continue reading…)