Snark, Critic and Pop!

SnarkCriticPop’s favorite teen sensation Steven Seagal is coming to not just TV but cable TV in a “gritty” new series on the Reelz Channel. After a brief investigation by our research department, I’ve been told that my cable service carries the Reelz Channel, and it’s in my package! Who knew? Certainly not me.

Inside sources tell us they are called the “Reelz Channel” because no one has heard of it and their marketing department is trying to get the word out that it’s a “real channel.” Since mispelling things is considered kewl, they spelted it “reelz.” Ya dig? Anyhoo, check out the promo for Steven Seagal’s True Justice, premeiring tomorrow night, March 30th, on Reelz Channel. (continue reading…)

What better way to spend a lazy Saturday afternoon than going Out for a Kill?  This Steven Seagal direct-to-DVD endeavor is primarily noteworthy as it was the first movie produced with Confusovision 3000!  The groundbreaking Confusovision 3000 editing process (patent pending) renders understanding plot details virtually unknowable. 

The year is 2003.   They were better times in many ways.  No one knew who Justin Bieber was.  If you said “Lady Gaga” they would assume you were talking about a baby girl.  It’s shortly after Steven Seagal’s last big-screen feature film fizzled (Half Past Dead) in 2002.   Now he’s starring in low budget crap like Out For A Kill.  But, from the look in Steven Seagal’s eye – I think it’s called “hope” – Seagal hasn’t quite accepted his fate of reality shows, border patrols, musical sideshow, and z-movie star.  It’s almost as though Seagal thinks he’s starring in a good movie.  I assure you, Steven – may I call you Steven? – that is not the case. 

In the curiously titled Out for a Kill, Seagal plays an archeologist, arguably the biggest stretch since Denise Richards played a “nuclear physicist” Bond girl.  But, if the movie is to be believed, Seagal is not only an excellent archeologist he is a prestigious, AWARD winning one who we see accepting a trophy for, I kid you not, “Excellence in Archeology” at a banquet complete with copious flashing light bulbs.  There’s certainly no event that the media savors like a lumbering archeologist’s acceptance speech.  (continue reading…)

Teen heartthrob Steven Seagal is back in the news!  And this time it’s not his dope music, it’s for allegedly killing a puppy while performing a raid on a suspected cockfighting ring as part of Seagal’s law enforcement reality show.  You know Steven Seagal is in law enforcement now, right?  When you can’t get arrested in Hollywood, become a cop. It’s either that or make Mega Monster movies for the Asylum (Steven Seagal in Mega Rooster vs. Ten Ton Puppy?).

The article (from TMZ, so take it with a grain of salt) states in part, “Seagal arrived to his home on March 9 with a TANK — and rammed into a gate on his property. Seagal was backed up by an MCSO Tactical Operations Unit — armed in full riot gear — which stormed the house. The entire incident was captured by a camera crew taping for Seagal’s reality show, “Steven Seagal Lawman.”“  The alleged rooster raiser claims he raises the animals “for show.”  Yeah, and Brian throws cats in the river to see if they are witches.

In an unrelated story, former convicted dog killer/torturer Michael Vick just signed a $100 million dollar contract with the Philadelphia Eagles.  Maybe some alleged dog cruelty is just what the doctor ordered to get Under Siege 3 greenlit!

Against the Dark is a gay romp through recycled plot lines, poor continuity and even poorer character development. Did that do enough to sell the movie? No? How about this – it stars a doughy Steven Seagal and the Rock’s stunt double.  Now you’re hooked, I know it.

The film takes place in a world in which a terrible plague which noone is immune to has turned people into vampires, and I say noone is immune to it because we are told this up front.  There is no hope, so don’t even bother.  Luckily for our heroes, which in this film are a group of 6 hapless dopes who (continue reading…)

This is by no means a complete list, but it’s a start: Celebrities (for lack of a better word) who sang and probably should have stuck to their day job.

When I think of melodic voices, I think of pro wrestler “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

The Macho Man put out his own hip hop album a few years back. The highlight (or the only one I heard) is the track “Be a Man” where Savage calls out Hulk Hogan for a real fight.  Wait, wasn’t their match at WrestleMania V was NOT a real fight?  My whole life has been a lie!!! (continue reading…)

A movie called Against the Dark came out in 2009, featuring Steven Seagal battling zombies. 

There are so many rich possibilities, a plethora you might say. How many ways can Steven Seagal kill a zombie with a credit card? How long could a zombie family of four survive dining on the massive corpse of Mr. Seagal? Would a zombie version of Steven Seagal have enough sense to take a role in the Expendables? How did I miss this movie when it came out?  Irregardless, I must acquire it!

Watch the trailer, if you dare! (continue reading…)

Those of you who are following the career (yes, I said career) of the teen heartthrob/reality show star/rock star/navy chef will be relieved to know that the ridiculous lawsuit against him by his former employee Kayden Nguyen has been dismissed.  I for one couldn’t be happier.   No longer will he be passed up for roles in films like The Expendables.  No longer will the Village People go without food.  No longer will cable network air time be filled with lousy programming (it will be filled with Stephen Seagal Lawman/aka other lousy programming).  Seagal’s notable roles include Casey Ryback in the Under Siege films, and “Cock Puncher” in The Onion Movie.

UPDATE: Awful television took a hit today the Steven Seagal: Lawman has halted filming (Click hereto view the BBC coverage), apparently in response to the lawsuit filed by his former assistant.  The article goes on to say that there will not be any criminal charges since the allegations were never reported to the authorities.  Seagal’s lawyer claims that she was fired for illegal drug use…

Of course he is alive, the New Orleans police don’t make it a habit of hiring the living dead to Patrol their streets and then show it on television, even if it is only A&E.  The being sued part is the news though, as this article relates.  Apparently a former assistant is suing him claiming that he kept her prisoner in a remote location with a pair of Russian Women, and they were all used as sex slaves.  Personally, I think the idea that he would work as a lawman, and secretly be a depraved criminal is brilliant, just ask Dexter Morgan who stole the idea from him, travelled back in time and put his fiendish plans to work. (continue reading…)