Snark, Critic and Pop!

I have seen the Expendables 2. I liked it, even though this statement guarantees that I’ll never make it as a New York Times movie critic. Sadly, I can’t cite any rational, quantifiable metric to qualify what it is about the Expendables 2 that I enjoy. But I smiled throughout the entire screening and laughed out loud several times. I didn’t check my watch.

Yes, friends, I admit it: I enjoyed the Expendables 2.

The logical, critical side of my brain can nitpick the movie to pieces. And, to indulge it for allowing me to enjoy the bangs and the booms, I’ll go through some of the points my brain suppressed during the screening. (continue reading…)

Arnold Schwarzenegger is joining the cast of the forthcoming “The Tomb” with Sylvester Stallone.  The film which is slated to be released in 2013 and is directed by Mikael Håfström (A Cowardly Swede) is a prison break flick in which Arnold plays an inmate joining Stallone in an attempt to break out of a prison Stallone designed himself!  The tension is brought about by the fact that any prison designed by Stallone should be easy to break out of because he is so dumb, but he is leading the group trying to break out and he might just be too dumb to do it!

From the “I know it’s not going to be good, but man I can’t wait to see it anyway” department, the teaser trailer for the Expendables 2! Chuck Norris!!!! Jean-Claude Van Damme!!!! What else do you want?

It’s from TMZ, so it must be true: (continue reading…)

I have been pretty hard on Jean-Claude Van Damme in the past, especially in my runaway bestseller Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies.  But good ol’ JCVD is one of the best things in the subject of today’s rant, 1999’s Universal Soldier: The Return.  I’m sad to say that this was the last big budget, mass marketed Van Damme movie to date.  Tragic.  It’s a shame because when compared to the acting skills of co-star Bill Goldberg, Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like an Academy Award winner. 

This is ironically a variation of the technique Sylvester Stallone & Napoleon Bonaparte used in their prime.  Stand by someone smaller, you appear taller in comparison.  This is the only reason a sane movie star like Stallone would voluntarily pair himself on screen twice opposite diminutive comedian Rob Schneider.  I also believe this is why Estelle Getty was chosen – of all the qualified Golden Girls – for that career making role in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.  Everyone knew that role was made for Rue McLannahan, but Getty was the shortest. 

But I digress. (continue reading…)

The calvacade of action stars who converged for last Summer’s hit, retro-action extravaganza the Expendables is increasing for the sequel.  Rumor has it Chuck Norris will be in it, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson may be there, Jackie Cha is a possibility,  and a new rumor: JUSTIN BIEBER will be playing Sylvester Stallone’s son.  No, seriously.  Stop laughing.  The report states:

According to a source close to the production, joining the returning cast of Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren will be none other than teen singing sensation, Justin Bieber. (continue reading…)

My take on Brian’s GED style query, “M. Night Shyamalan is to directing as
__________________ is to acting“:

The correct answer is . . . (dramatic pause) . . . SYLVESTER STALLONE. Why?   Both guys have some talent as indicated by their breakout movies.  Stallone started out strong — critically and commercially praised performances in Rocky & First Blood. Shyamalan started out strong in critically and commercially praised films like Sixth Sence, Signs, and Unbreakable.  I’m not so much into Unbreakable, but all the others are genuinely good.  Then both started doing more of the same stuff (Rocky II-VI, Rambo II-III, Cobra, for Stallone; Shyamalan with crap like the Happening and Lady in the Water). (continue reading…)

 . . . And it is everything I expected: The Expendables is a super-sized, testosterone-fueled action movie extravaganza.  This is the King of Straight To DVD fare, blown up so large it deserves to be shown in theaters. 

Co-writer-director-star Sylvester Stallone leads a veritable brigade of action movie stars, most of whom saw their best days in the 80s.  There’s explosions, fights, stunts, and many quips, some not entirely terrible.  Stallone gets off one great inside jab at Arnold Schwarzenegger, who makes a cameo along with Bruce Willis.  The story and screenplay is just an excuse for the action and trotting out old favorites for some fresh fights and old fashioned mayhem: (continue reading…)