Snark, Critic and Pop!

Saturday, November 10th, the SyFy Channel original movie will be no less than . . . (dramatic pause) . . . GHOST STORM.  Could it be they picked up my unsolicited screenplay of the vile Hurricane Katrina, raised from the weather front equivalent of hell to haunt New Orleans from beyond the grave?  Alas, no, the plot appears to be original.  The description from imdb.com reads:

An action packed chase led by Hal and Ashley to save the people on this small island from a strange electrical storm which is led by angry souls from a mass suicide looking for revenge.

We can’t wait, SyFy!

On Wednesday night, September 19th there will be a one time showing of the Alfred Hitchcock Classic The Birds at 7:00pm est. It is a joint event between Fathom Events and Turner Classic Movies. For anyone who hasn’t seen this movie, you are missing a classic!

Oh, SyFy Channel, you’ve done it again! Can you say Aladdin & the Death Lamp at 7 o’clock (Eastern), followed immediately by Pegasus vs. Chimera at 9 o’clock?

Pegasus vs. Chimera stars Sebastian Roché, 80s star Rae Dawn Chong, and — can it be?! — Old Hickory himself, Andrew Jackson! There isn’t much information for the film available on the world wide interwebs, but inside sources and the trailer posted below seem to indicate the plot involves some manner of conflict between the mythological beasts Pegasus & Chimera. Here’s hoping Pegasus comes out the victor, and can star in the sequel I’m penning, Pegasus vs. My Little Pony. More information as it develops, friends.

Even more mysterious is Aladdin & the Death Lamp. Other than the SyFy blurb (“To save the world, Aladdin must wager everything to get an evil Jinn back into his lamp”), I can’t even seem to find an imdb page for this. A search for Aladdin & the Death Lamp leads me to a half-dozen versions of “Aladdin & the Wonderful Lamp.” No, IMDB, I seek a film much less wonderful. Needless to say, expect a much less entertaining and pleasant genie than Robin Williams, though hopefully less hairy as well. (continue reading…)

Finally, my peeps start seeing things that go bump in the night, other than that dang Swedish muppet guy. If Swedish Lake Monsters aren’t enough, there’s Alien Invaders on tonight’s episode of Destination Truth on the SyFy Channel! It’s real! It’s darn real! (continue reading…)

Alternate title: Honey, I Shrunk the Budget!

Antibody is a low, low budget film varation of classic film Fantastic Voyage, with the subtle difference that this is not fantastic.  Granted the film does not officially credit Voyage with the story, but there’s good reasons for that.  1) It’s a slightly different story.  2) Proper creditation means you have to pay the original source a little thing I like to call “money.”  2a) Did I mention this is a low, low budget film? (continue reading…)

That is, if Fox accepts my pitch based on this recent news article, with the headline, “Move over zombies: Man left bloodied and screaming in pain after attack by ‘bunch of leprechauns’”:

A mob of Leprechauns are carrying out vicious attacks in and around the city of Seattle, according to a man who claims to be one of their latest victims.  (continue reading…)

Methinks many movie concepts these days are taken by taking known concepts, creatures, characters, and genres, putting them in a bowl, pulling out two, and voila! There’s your movie idea. Piranhas and . . . Anacondas. Okay, let’s make Piranhaconda! Abraham Lincoln and . . . Zombies! Along those lines: This Saturday, the SyFy Channel original movie is Alien Tornado. Baton down the hatches, bad movie lovers!

Watch the trailer, if you dare! (continue reading…)

There are two kinds of people in the world.  1) Those who cannot fathom spending an hour and a half watching a low-budget movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack.  2)  Cinematic masochists who cannot wait to spend an hour and a half watching a low-budget movie called 2-Headed Shark Attack.   If you’re like me — and I know I am — you just spent 90 of the greatest minutes of your life watching a pre-release copy of 2-Headed Shark Attack (thank you, Asylum!). 

The set-up for Doublemint Jaws munching is a semester on the ocean.  It’s cool Professor Babbish (Charlie O’Connell, appearing mid-way in transformation from brother Jerry O’Connell to pseudo-Kevin Sorbo), his wife/assistant Anne (Carmen Electra), and a very crowded boat full of college students/shark appetizers.  The students are a lively bunch, very compliant at standing two-by-two, an equal distance apart, to allow the 2 headed shark to perform simultaneous chomps to the audience’s delight.  (continue reading…)

The subject of “Bad Movie Night” this week was 1986′s Maximum Overdrive, written and directed by famed horror author Stephen King. This happened to be King’s first and only directorial effort, and it is bad. As in barely watchable bad, not the typical gloriously wonderful bad.

The plot involves machines coming to life to kill their human masters as the Earth passes through a rare comet, not “Haley’s Comet” but another one. The film is noteworthy for featuring Emilio Estevez and future voice of Lisa Simpson Yeardley Smith in her most annoying, nagging on-screen role to date.  I can’t bring myself to do a full review, but I was greatly amused by notes from Imdb.com’s trivia page, which says: (continue reading…)

I like Denver Bronco’s unorthodox and curiously controversial quarterback Tim Tebow.  A lot.  Not enough to burn down mosques or watch Hee Haw 2012 as some think.  But Tebow’s a lot of things I am: Christian, Home Schooled, Physically Gifted Athlete, Heisman Trophy Winner, etc.

Heck, I wasn’t even that upset when he pulled his patented “Tebow Magic” on my beloved Chicago Bears.  (As the Bears are pretty much done anyway this year.)  But some don’t like the guy.  Like who?  And why?  Let’s ask, Rabbi Joshua Hammerman who posted an article “My Problem With Tim Tebow” which has since been removed with an apology.  Why apologize for an opinion piece on a popular athlete? Well, I didn’t just make up the whole “burning down mosques” and bringing back “Hee-Haw” bits, that’s from the Rabbi himself. (It’s good to know every religion has a Pat Robertson.) The text of said article went something like this: (continue reading…)

Stop me when this one sounds familiar: A dangerous, previously extinct animal is cloned, and – totally unexpectantly — things go awry.  I know I should stop there, but I won’t.

The animal in question is a sabretooth tiger, great, great (308x) granddaddy to X-Man Wolverine’s archnemesis.   You’d think the Sketchy, B-Movie Science Lab competant enough to clone a sabretooth would not simultaneously be the world’s most careless lab, but you would be wrong.  

In this lab, the janitor has the access and passcode to enter the cloned sabretooth tiger cage.  In the opening scene, the intrepid janitor enters the seemingly vacated sabretooth room in order to clean the inside of the glass.  While the janitor succeeds in the short term — the window is cleaner for his efforts, kudos! — he fails in the long term — the window then becomes stained with his blood as the tiger rips his intestines apart. (continue reading…)

The SyFy Channel premeires a new, original movie this Saturday, Killer Mountain! The title sounds entertaining — not Hobo With A Shotgun entertaining, but still — but this “sneak peak” looks downright bad bad. Not fun bad, but bad bad, or just plain dull:


(continue reading...)