Snark, Critic and Pop!

What do you get when you mix a Patrick Stewart voice-over, a phone commercial, the gorgeous Milla Jovovich, and zombies? RESIDENT EVIL 5: The Quest For Peace! Resident Evil: Electric Boogaloo. Or, Resident Evil: Retribution, if you will. Watch the trailer, fellow Trailer Watchers! (continue reading…)

The world’s worst director, Uwe Boll, is back from the gutter! And this time he’s bringing Dolph Lundgren with him. It’s In The Name of the King 2!

In the grand scheme of things, 2011 was a bit lackluster in the “big movie” department. Some good Summer fare, nothing really blew me away. 2012 is looking quite extremely rather marvelously good, however. Where to begin? Where better than the Hobbit Part 1, which comes out December 2012:

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Brian, for your malicious slander of my bear peeps yesterday, I would like to take you on a journey into your future. This holiday season, while I’m watching Sherlock Holmes, Mission:Impossible 4, War Horse (originally titled “War Bear” before the horse lobby got to Spielberg), or Tin Tin — you’ll be with your daughter in a theater watching . . . this.

Bruce Willis, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and MOUNTAIN CLIMBING SWORD FIGHTING — oh my!  I know I shouldn’t be, I know this is going to be — at best — just fun escapism, but I’m excited.  I love the Rock, I played with G.I. Joes growing up, and I can’t wait to see this.

This is what passes for family entertainment these days:

I have been pretty hard on Jean-Claude Van Damme in the past, especially in my runaway bestseller Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies.  But good ol’ JCVD is one of the best things in the subject of today’s rant, 1999’s Universal Soldier: The Return.  I’m sad to say that this was the last big budget, mass marketed Van Damme movie to date.  Tragic.  It’s a shame because when compared to the acting skills of co-star Bill Goldberg, Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like an Academy Award winner. 

This is ironically a variation of the technique Sylvester Stallone & Napoleon Bonaparte used in their prime.  Stand by someone smaller, you appear taller in comparison.  This is the only reason a sane movie star like Stallone would voluntarily pair himself on screen twice opposite diminutive comedian Rob Schneider.  I also believe this is why Estelle Getty was chosen – of all the qualified Golden Girls – for that career making role in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.  Everyone knew that role was made for Rue McLannahan, but Getty was the shortest. 

But I digress. (continue reading…)

The makers of 1999’s bizarrely popular, original “found footage” film, Blair Witch Project, Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick, want to do Blair Witch 3.  I never understood the Blair Witch phenomenon personally.  I saw the first 15 minutes before I quit, and it struck me as one step above America’s Saddest Home Video.  In fairness, I saw it on DVD, and the film may have been more effective as a theater experience.  I personally knew one woman who couldn’t sleep without nightmares for days after watching the original.

(I hear some of you saying “Blair Witch 3?”  For those who don’t remember, there actually was a sequel, Book Shadows: Blair Witch Project 2.  It wasn’t even one of those cheap-o, direct to video sequels, it was an actual, honest-to-goodness, widely released and heavily promoted movie that bombed big time.) (continue reading…)

Nicolas Cage will do anything for a buck, including sequels. Since National Treasure 3 apparently needs more script polishing, it’s time for Drive Angry 2. Sorry, honest mistake, it’s Ghost Rider 2: (continue reading…)

Perhaps the only film more promising on the 2012 calendar is not the Dark Knight Rises, but rather G.I. Joe 2: Cobra Strikes.  (Kidding!  Please invite me to the Knight premiere, Christopher Nolan!) 

If there was a problem with the first G.I. Joe, it’s that there weren’t enough characters.  Good thing they’re adding a lot more, including Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Roadblock and Adrianne “The Paper” Palicki (fresh off a failed pilot for Wonder Woman) as Lady Jaye.  Ray Stevenson, Elodie Yung, RZA, and D.J. Cotrona are also in there as well as some returning favorites like Channing Tatum and Ray Park.  But we need some more. 

Well, at least one more.  Here’s some free casting advice to the producers: (continue reading…)

A huge box-office weekend guarantees that there’s going to be a fourth Transformers movie.  My picketing outside the studio all weekend hopefully will lead to the movie being under two hours.  But somehow the sequel courier got his packages mixed up, and it is being reportedthat Jason Statham will take over from Chia Pet Labeouf as the leading man in Transformers 4.   What’s most shocking about the linked report is that it mentions that 43 year-old Statham is dating 23 year-old, T3 star/Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitely.  Wait, what?  On an unrelated note, I have started working on my British accent and taking acting lessons.

The addition of Statham could be a good thing for Transformers, especially if over indulgent director Michael Bay bows out as well.  It would be nice for Transformers to have a stoic, tough guy leading man like Statham at the center of the dozens of comic relievers vying for attention.  (Heck, narrow it down to one comic relief and one comic cameo, and we’ll all be happier.)

No word yet if Shia Labeouf is going to bring his manic nerdiness to Statham’s Transchise, Transporter 4.  Here’s hoping!

. . . But We Don’t Have To Be Here When He’s Back, Right?

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he’s ready to play the Terminator again. 

Please let the Terminator die with dignity, Hollywood.  1 & 2 were great, 3 laughable, the reboot with Christian Bale/Sam Worthington mediocre at best.  I never saw the Terminator TV show, but the fact they DID a Terminator TV show degrades the value of the franchise (no offense, Summer Glau).  Unless Christopher Nolan or J.J. Abrams says I want to do a Terminator movie, let it go, people!