Snark, Critic and Pop!

Yes, another Die Hard movie. Sadly, no Bruce Willis battling zombie Alan Rickman, as I pitched to the studio: (continue reading…)

Avatar was visually stunning, so I have heard.  I missed seeing it in theaters and instead watched it on a 12 inch TV on a cruise boat where I was forced to look at plot and character development, so you can see why it fills my with horror that James Cameron will not only make two sequels to Avatar – he is also making a PREQUEL:

…basically it goes back to the early expeditions of Pandora, and kind of what (continue reading…)

I am a big fan of the Jason Bourne trilogy – the latter two (the Bourne Ultimatum and the Bourne Supremacy) in particular.  So when I heard they were making a fourth one, I was ecstatic.  When I heard the actor playing Bourne, Matt Damon, was not going to be involved, my enthusiasm waned considerably. 

The fourth entry features Jeremy Renner as Aaron Cross.  Cross is another product of Treadstone, the same program that produced superspy Bourne (hence the tagline, “There was never just one”).  The premise is that after the events of Ultimatum, where Bourne exposes Treadstone, the decision is made to terminate all the operatives.  Cross being one of said operatives, who is highly motivated not to be killed. 

Cross is essentially Bourne without the amnesia –there’s not a lot of character there.  He has a few moments of reflection and doubt, but it’s generally just a chance to pause before the next action sequence. (continue reading…)

For those of you who planned on spending the next two holiday seasons basking in the sure to be pure awesomeness of Peter Jackson’s Hobbit movies – better clear your 2014 calendars because like a Mogwai in a tub it is splitting again.  The Hobbit is now a trilogy.  Despite what Jackson and the studio are saying this seems like a blatant money grab, and I for one am outraged.  I will only see each one twice instead of three times (see – I will still go the to movies 6 times).  But on a serious note, I hope that there is some value to the added screen time  and it is just not a watered down experience.  Now lets get it done and get on with making “The Tale of Beren and Lúthien”!

Arnold Schwarzenegger says a Twins sequel is happening.  Meanwhile, my spec script for Junior 2 (subtitled: Who Are Mommy Daddy’s Many Lady Friends?) languishes unsold.

I’m taking my first ever cruise this week, and thought I would do some research by revisiting the sequel to 1994′s fun actioner Speed that was such a trainwreck Keanu Reeves wouldn’t do it:

Anaconda 3: Offspring.  Starring David Hasselhoff.  Really, what more do you need to know?

Seriously, why are you still reading this?  Shouldn’t you be bolting for the nearest video store (which, granted, is probably a hundred miles away)?  Go on, you don’t need to read the rest of the blog.  This will still be online when you get back home and after you have watched and immediately rewatched Anaconda 3: Offspring, in order to pick up on all the plot details you may have missed the first time.  I mean, the anaconda was Keyser Soze the WHOLE TIME?  Whoa! 

Perhaps the greatest atrocity of the entire affair is that Anaconda 3: Offspring first aired on television (in the prestigious Sci-Fi Channel Saturday night timeslot, back before they forgot how to spell SyFy) and thus disqualified the film from qualifying for an Academy Award due to the most absurd of technicalities.  David Hasselhoff ascends to the status of Hollywood Legend with his performance as the revered snake wrangler known only as “Hammett.”  The way Hasselhoff recites his lines, you’d swear you were listening to Hamlet instead of Hammett.  (continue reading…)

Good news! The Rock’s not in it. Better news! Larry the Cable Guy is. It’s an actor I don’t want to see in a movie I never would! (continue reading…)

What do you get when you mix a Patrick Stewart voice-over, a phone commercial, the gorgeous Milla Jovovich, and zombies? RESIDENT EVIL 5: The Quest For Peace! Resident Evil: Electric Boogaloo. Or, Resident Evil: Retribution, if you will. Watch the trailer, fellow Trailer Watchers! (continue reading…)

The world’s worst director, Uwe Boll, is back from the gutter! And this time he’s bringing Dolph Lundgren with him. It’s In The Name of the King 2!

In the grand scheme of things, 2011 was a bit lackluster in the “big movie” department. Some good Summer fare, nothing really blew me away. 2012 is looking quite extremely rather marvelously good, however. Where to begin? Where better than the Hobbit Part 1, which comes out December 2012:

(continue reading…)

Brian, for your malicious slander of my bear peeps yesterday, I would like to take you on a journey into your future. This holiday season, while I’m watching Sherlock Holmes, Mission:Impossible 4, War Horse (originally titled “War Bear” before the horse lobby got to Spielberg), or Tin Tin — you’ll be with your daughter in a theater watching . . . this.