Snark, Critic and Pop!

I’m taking my first ever cruise this week, and thought I would do some research by revisiting the sequel to 1994’s fun actioner Speed that was such a trainwreck Keanu Reeves wouldn’t do it:

Anaconda 3: Offspring.  Starring David Hasselhoff.  Really, what more do you need to know?

Seriously, why are you still reading this?  Shouldn’t you be bolting for the nearest video store (which, granted, is probably a hundred miles away)?  Go on, you don’t need to read the rest of the blog.  This will still be online when you get back home and after you have watched and immediately rewatched Anaconda 3: Offspring, in order to pick up on all the plot details you may have missed the first time.  I mean, the anaconda was Keyser Soze the WHOLE TIME?  Whoa! 

Perhaps the greatest atrocity of the entire affair is that Anaconda 3: Offspring first aired on television (in the prestigious Sci-Fi Channel Saturday night timeslot, back before they forgot how to spell SyFy) and thus disqualified the film from qualifying for an Academy Award due to the most absurd of technicalities.  David Hasselhoff ascends to the status of Hollywood Legend with his performance as the revered snake wrangler known only as “Hammett.”  The way Hasselhoff recites his lines, you’d swear you were listening to Hamlet instead of Hammett.  (continue reading…)

Good news! The Rock’s not in it. Better news! Larry the Cable Guy is. It’s an actor I don’t want to see in a movie I never would! (continue reading…)

What do you get when you mix a Patrick Stewart voice-over, a phone commercial, the gorgeous Milla Jovovich, and zombies? RESIDENT EVIL 5: The Quest For Peace! Resident Evil: Electric Boogaloo. Or, Resident Evil: Retribution, if you will. Watch the trailer, fellow Trailer Watchers! (continue reading…)

The world’s worst director, Uwe Boll, is back from the gutter! And this time he’s bringing Dolph Lundgren with him. It’s In The Name of the King 2!

In the grand scheme of things, 2011 was a bit lackluster in the “big movie” department. Some good Summer fare, nothing really blew me away. 2012 is looking quite extremely rather marvelously good, however. Where to begin? Where better than the Hobbit Part 1, which comes out December 2012:

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Brian, for your malicious slander of my bear peeps yesterday, I would like to take you on a journey into your future. This holiday season, while I’m watching Sherlock Holmes, Mission:Impossible 4, War Horse (originally titled “War Bear” before the horse lobby got to Spielberg), or Tin Tin — you’ll be with your daughter in a theater watching . . . this.

Bruce Willis, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and MOUNTAIN CLIMBING SWORD FIGHTING — oh my!  I know I shouldn’t be, I know this is going to be — at best — just fun escapism, but I’m excited.  I love the Rock, I played with G.I. Joes growing up, and I can’t wait to see this.

This is what passes for family entertainment these days:

I have been pretty hard on Jean-Claude Van Damme in the past, especially in my runaway bestseller Mega Roos vs. Giant Crappy Movies.  But good ol’ JCVD is one of the best things in the subject of today’s rant, 1999’s Universal Soldier: The Return.  I’m sad to say that this was the last big budget, mass marketed Van Damme movie to date.  Tragic.  It’s a shame because when compared to the acting skills of co-star Bill Goldberg, Jean-Claude Van Damme looks like an Academy Award winner. 

This is ironically a variation of the technique Sylvester Stallone & Napoleon Bonaparte used in their prime.  Stand by someone smaller, you appear taller in comparison.  This is the only reason a sane movie star like Stallone would voluntarily pair himself on screen twice opposite diminutive comedian Rob Schneider.  I also believe this is why Estelle Getty was chosen – of all the qualified Golden Girls – for that career making role in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.  Everyone knew that role was made for Rue McLannahan, but Getty was the shortest. 

But I digress. (continue reading…)

The makers of 1999’s bizarrely popular, original “found footage” film, Blair Witch Project, Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick, want to do Blair Witch 3.  I never understood the Blair Witch phenomenon personally.  I saw the first 15 minutes before I quit, and it struck me as one step above America’s Saddest Home Video.  In fairness, I saw it on DVD, and the film may have been more effective as a theater experience.  I personally knew one woman who couldn’t sleep without nightmares for days after watching the original.

(I hear some of you saying “Blair Witch 3?”  For those who don’t remember, there actually was a sequel, Book Shadows: Blair Witch Project 2.  It wasn’t even one of those cheap-o, direct to video sequels, it was an actual, honest-to-goodness, widely released and heavily promoted movie that bombed big time.) (continue reading…)

Nicolas Cage will do anything for a buck, including sequels. Since National Treasure 3 apparently needs more script polishing, it’s time for Drive Angry 2. Sorry, honest mistake, it’s Ghost Rider 2: (continue reading…)