Snark, Critic and Pop!

Look out, friends and fellow bad movie lovers - there’s a killer on the loose in the bayou, and he has it in for some inbred hicks!  If that’s not enough for you, what if I told you the killer is a werewolf?  Still not enough?  All right, demanding consumer, how’s this for a hook: The killer is also left-handed!  (One might say he’s a “southpaw,” so to speak.)  David Janssen (The Fugitive) stars as the smalltown Sheriff who has to track the furry killer down even as he courts the sexiest senior citizen in Louisiana and protect the wrongfully accused wild dog population from the trigger happy yokels.  Yes, all that and more in this 1972 made-for-TV “classic” Moon of the Wolf! 

Join Film Is Pwn’s resident riffers Brian Alterman and Daniel Roos for this Nixon Administration-era cheesefest.  You won’t believe some clueless studio executives let this cinematic gem slip into the public domain.  But their loss is your video on demand gain – download the movie and commentary for one low, low price.

“My Bible burst into flame for some reason”:

Not quite those morons at PETA, but animal rights activists — America’s Wolf Conservation Center specifically — are protesting the depiction of wolves by Hollywood.  The friendly, neighborly wolf is apparently smeared as potentially not nice in the new survival film “The Grey” starring Liam Neeson, which opens this Friday.  If you’re stranded in the wilderness, perhaps coming across a pack of angry, hungry wolves would be a stroke of luck! The wolves might take you into your pack until you and your brother can found Rome. Says a member of the Center:

“It’s not anything new for wolves to be portrayed as the bad guy in fairy tales, and we don’t take it seriously because it’s fantasy, but this movie is supposed to be real.”

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Howling Mad by Peter David

In what may be a series of posts in the future, let me talk about a book that I think needs to be made into a movie. Howling Mad is a terrific comedy-horror hybrid. Published to little fanfare from fledgling author Peter David in 1988, Howling Mad is the tale of a wolf bitten by a werewolf who turns into a man every full moon. Tell me that gimmick alone wouldn’t look great on the back of DVD cases! The wereman dubbed Josh is separated from his pack, taken to the New York Zoo, turns human, escapes, meets with a single New York gal, then turns back.

The book has a bit of a slapstick edge, with the evil werewolf’s associate, a hilarious vampire named Duncan, who does his bidding. The book is a great read, alternating between laugh-out-loud funny and genuinely scary. Cast Alan Tudyk as the “Wereman” Josh, Rachael McAdams as the love interest, give me a budget of $40 million, and by gum you’ll have a hit! (*Crosses fingers* *waits for phone to ring*)

Yea, this wonderfully lame franchise is being brought back to low-budget sequel world!

Finally, a movie that answers that question inquiring minds like ourselves have been posing for years. That question? “Werewolf?” Marty Feldman answered it, “There Wolf” in the Mel Brooks classic Young Frankenstein. But there is another possibility presented in the form of motion picture. That picture is the 1961 classic Werewolf in a Girl’s Dormitory (1961).

Be forewarned, it’s a N-E-R-V-O-R-A-M-A SHOCKER! There’s a scream a minute! Do not see if prone to horror stricken eyes. For the bold, continue: (continue reading…)

Last weekend I was lucky enough to watch the wonderfully terrible Howling II: My Sister is a Werewolf and I even have a copy at my house now that fellow cinematic masochist Daniel Roos was unwilling to take it home with him.  Never heard of it?  Well, maybe you heard of it by it’s other title: Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch.  Terrible joke you say?  Well, I counter with I wasn’t joking, that was actually the title upon release. 

The film which was directed by Phillipe Mora begins with the funeral of journalist Karen White (the heroine from the first Howling film) which is attended by her brother Ben and her colleague Jenny as well as creepy Stefan played by the great Christopher Lee.  Spoiler alert – she sleeps with the young good looking guy who can’t act, not the creepy old guy who can!  Anyway, Stephan hasn’t come to bring flowers or offer condolences or even stand in the background looking uninterested like the rest of the extras, he has come to tell Ben that… wait for it… his sister is a werewolf!  (continue reading…)

Howling V: The Rebirth is a contradiction in many ways.  How so?  In some respects it sucks, in others it blows. (Special thanks to Bart Simpson for letting me borrow that joke.)

If Wikipedia is to be believed, Howling V “is regarded among fans of the series as one of the better sequels.”  This may well be true.  But it is worth pointing out that being the best Howling sequel is sorta like being the finest Keanu Reeves acting performance — still not that good.

To be fair, the basic premise of Howling V — better known as “Howling 5” to its fans — ain’t that bad.  It’s Agathie Christie’s whodunit “And Then There Were None” with werewolves.  Hey, if you can’t be original, you might as well steal from the best, right?  And, if the best are unavailable, Agatha Christie should suffice. (continue reading…)

Those tasked with creating a fourth entry in the Howling franchise had a daunting challenge. 

The original Howling is widely considered one of the “good” Werewolf movies, along with the original Universal classic the Wolf Man as well as Ernest Gets Eaten By A Werewolf.  I would not argue that the Howling is a good flick, although it has been many full moons since I saw it. 

Howling II is noteworthy for having the subtitle: “Your Sister Is A Werewolf” and the venerable Christopher Lee in the cast.  Incidentally, “Your Sister Is A Werewolf” was voted the least effective playground taunt of 1985.

Howling III: The Marsupials, reviewed by my colleague Brian Alterman here, took the groundbreaking step of giving werewolves pouches.  Sure, they’ll devour you just the same as any other demonic hellbeast, but that’s only the beginning!  They’ll do it while having pouches!  Is your spine-tingling yet? (continue reading…)

With a name like Werewolf in Washington, you know it’s going to be good. In this 1973 low-budget horror flick, Dean Stockwell (Quantum Leap) plays Jack, a reporter who has an affair with the First Daughter. Shockingly, when he ends the affair he voluntarily banishes himself to his papers bureau in Hungary.

In Hungary, Jack is bitten by a werewolf, which looks suspiciously like a cute dog. Jack beats the wolf to death. In an homage to the original Universal werewolf classic, Wolf Man, the murdered wolf becomes a local gypsy. When Jack tells his tale to local authorities, they hilariously rush him out of the country as if this has happened before and they know he’s going werewolf shortly. (continue reading…)

This is a great week for bad movie lovers. This Thursday night, it’s Rifftrax’s Live Halloween Show featuring a skewering of Vincent Price’s House on Haunted Hill. If that’s not enough (and it is!) there’s a potentially new classic two days later:

This Saturday Night on SyFy Channel (9 pm Eastern, 8 pm Central, 4 pm Middle Earth) is the debut of Red: Werewolf Hunter. According to the description provided on my DVR browser, Red: Werewolf Hunter is about: “The modern-day descendant of Little Red Riding Hood brings her fiance home to meet her family and reveal their occupation as werewolf hunters, but after he is bitten by a werewolf, she must protect him from her own family.” Felicia Day (pictured left) plays the lead. I am so there. Check out the teaser trailer: (continue reading…)

When I found out last night that the premier of Sharktopus was NEXT week, and not this week I was heartbroken.  What could possibly fill the void left by the vanished promise of awful plots, terrible acting and abysmal “special” effects?  Luckily for me, The Howling III – The Marsupials was available on demand for only $1.99.  Not only that, they will let me watch it over and over again for the next month at no additional charge.  Apparently Time Warner is under the impression that lobotomizing it’s customers is a good idea.

The Howling III is the story of Australians who have been possessed by the spirit of the extinct Tasmanian wolf and have become lycanthropes.  They live in the town of Flow (Spoiler alert – don’t read that backwards).  Jerboa (Imogen Annesley) runs away from the clan because the clan leader rapes her.  She makes her way to Sydney where she is discovered by Donny who gets her a job as an actress in a horror movie.  When told she is going to get gang raped by four werewolves in the first scene she laughs thus indicating while she herself was raped, she has gotten over it in 48 hours.  As viewers we now now – she’s a survivor.  (continue reading…)