Snark, Critic and Pop!

Have you seen this man?  If so I hope you didn’t let him anywhere near your furniture or white carpets… This is Gary Linekar, former member of the English national soccer team, the teams all time goal scoring leader, and perpetrator of the most watched live poo ever.  Yes, Gary pooped during a World Cup match against Ireland that was being broadcast live around the world.  One he happened to be playing in at the time. On the field.  As he says, “Luckily it was raining that day”.  Yes, and luckily he had a nice grassy field to drag his ass along like a dog does.  Seriously… this is more than just a shart.  He gambled and lost.  Now I would expect this kind of behavior from legendary Brazilian coach Dunga, or Brazilian star player Kaka, but Gary Linekar?  Well, honestly I never heard of him before reading this so I don’t know what to expect from him.  Part of the beauty of being American is that you have no hopes of winning the world cup, so when your team fails to win it is what is expected.  In England there is hope for some reason and these guys are huge.  It’s the kind of hope that fills the hearts of Cubs fans (continue reading…)

The Psychic Octopus did it again, correctly picking Spain over Germany in the World Cup finals.  Truly I tried to watch and appreciate the sport and overcome my American soccer snobbery.  Despite the noblest of intentions, after about fifteen minutes I was sound asleep for a most welcome Sunday nap.  Congrats to Spain, the finest octopus since that Great One who battled Mega Shark, and to all good and patriotic Americans who stayed awake throughout.  Excelsior!

It appears that Paul the psychic octopus is in hot water (figuratively) after he once again predicted the winner of Germany’s world cup match.  The problem is he didn’t pick Germany.  Due to the fact the the octopus jinxed the team leaving them vulnerable to defeat at the hands of defending European champion and 2nd ranked team on the planet Spain, Paul is receiving threats of death, or (continue reading…)

In an attempt to break out of the doldrums of typical octopus life and take up a new career as scungilli, a German octopus whose bold (there really is a need for a sarcasm font) prediction that Germany would beat England was previously posted here has decided to go against his nation of origin and pick Spain to defeat Germany in the semifinals of the World Cup. (continue reading…)

After first reading an article about a psychic octopus predicting a German win over England in the world cup last Friday, I delayed writing a post about it.  Honestly, it seemed rather silly.  You didn’t have to be a smart as an octopus to see that coming.   I also didn’t want to make that joke and have England pull off the upset…  But after watching England get the royal screw job this weekend, I thought why not add to the misery that is being an England supporter.  Listen, it was going to happen sooner or later (or sooner), so why build everyone’s hopes up. 

That being said, what an awful call on the no goal.  Totally turned the match around.  Now I understand that as a fan I am privy to replays, multiple camera angles, zoom and freeze frame, but if you are not going to add instant replay or some technology to help make the correct call, then put a special judge behind each net and get it right.  FIFA makes a bundle, they can afford to hire someone.  Maybe they can get some people to take time off from oppressing people who like to wear the color Orange…

Dan Lebatard of the Miami Herald was so incredibly moved by the U.S.’s recent World Cup Soccer victory that he wrote, in part:

Did you see that? Did you call your friends? Did you hug strangers? Did you share?

This is why we love games. This is why we invest and care and cry and scream and get angry — for the one breathtaking moment that Landon Donovan gave us Wednesday morning, when a little balding guy summoned the strength to lift our big country.

The answer to all those questions is the same: NO. I don’t mean to be a spoil sport, go on and enjoy your soccer, rest of world, but as for me my opinion on soccer is fairly well captured by these clips from the Simpsons and from a few other places: (continue reading…)

Apparently, it’s true.  This article from sportsgrid.com about enthusiastic North Korean soccer fans in South Africa reads thusly: Announcer Says North Korean Fans Are Actually “Handpicked Chinese Actors.”

I don’t know if you could pay me to watch a soccer game, even if it is World Cup soccer (which, apparently, is a big tournament that happens once in a while).  I’m not a good enough actor to fake enthusiasm.  Now, maybe if someone stuck a gun in my face or threatened a cute kitties life, I just might give the game a polite golf clap on occasion, but that’s about it.

Now, some might interpret North Korean actors sent to South Africa as being about an oppressive communist regime controlling citizenry and engaging in propaganda, etc.  Me, I think this is because North Korea is trying to cover for the fact that soccer (alias “football”) is a very, very, very boring sport.  I’m sorry, but it just is.   With capitalism, soccer fails.  With communism, Fearless Leader Kim hires Pyongyang Community Theater to pretend that a 0-0 game is thrilling.

Ladies and gentlemen, er, we’ve only got the one photo to go on, but, uh, what we’ve seen speaks for itself.  The World Cup competition in South Africa has been taken over — ‘conquered’, if you will — by a master race of giant space dung beetles. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the dung beetles will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted interweb personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to…toil in their underground sugar caves.