Snark, Critic and Pop!

Danny Trejo vs. Zombies!  Though, on the cover, Trejo, featured prominently along with the many face craters he sports, is given third billing behind Levar “Geordi!” Burton (Reading Rainbow) and Mariel Hemingway (Superman IV: The Quest For Peace). 

What’s the subject matter?  You’re right, the subject doesn’t matter.  But, the Asylum website says the plot is this:

When zombies overrun San Francisco, a desperate group survives by locking themselves inside Alcatraz Prison. When the undead breach the island, our heros are forced to return to the mainland overrun with the undead.

We are so there!

Sometimes when I watch a trailer, I sense something is wrong. When I see the words “PRODUCED BY UWE BOLL”, I say, “Well, there’s your problem!” Still with a name like Zombie Massacre, I am tempted . . . Warning, this trailer will make you say “What the H?!” (continue reading…)

Osama Bin Laden is a zombie — what else do you need to know?

Four score and severed heads ago . . . I have received and screened a pre-release copy of The Asylum Studios latest b-movie, Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, which will be available to the general public on Tuesday, May 29th.  First off, thank you, Asylum.  Second off, Abe vs. Zombies may well be the Asylum’s most entertaining movie to date.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies is, of course, the mockbuster answer to the forthcoming, big budget, Tim Burton produced, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  Abe vs. Zombies is out first, and as far as camp fun, the bar is set very, very high. 

The premise is that our nation’s 16th arguably greatest (apologies to Millard Fillmore) President, Abraham Lincoln, had a bad experience with a zombie outbreak as a youth.  In the aftermath of the battle of Gettysburg, President Lincoln (Bill Oberst Jr.) hears of a new outbreak of the zombie plague in a remote fort.  Realizing that the Civil War will be a moot point should both North and South are overtaken by the walking dead, Abe leads a small, impeccably overdressed team to the fort to curb the zombie menace. (continue reading…)

Meh:

“Mutant” apparently means “Zombies”:

From my source of news, The South African:

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa — When news spread that Zulu folk singer Khulekani “Mgqumeni” Khumalo had returned from the dead, thousands of fans descended on his rural home.

The man claiming to be Khumalo, an award-winning traditional maskandi musician who apparently died in 2009, said he had been kept captive by zombies who wanted to put a nail into his head. (continue reading…)

This Summer’s big-budget blockbuster Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter will have competition for sheer enjoyment (if not creativity) in its low-budget, mockbuster companion . . . ABRAHAM LINCOLN VS. ZOMBIES!  Only from our friends at the Asylum.  (Pre-production is under way according to the Asylum’s web-site.)

I hope there’s a scene where Lincoln’s famously brief Gettysburg Address is attributed to having to rush off to fend of undead confederates.  

And who plays Lincoln?  Lorenzo Lamas gets my vote.  No matter what — 2012 is looking like it’s gonna be a heck of a year!

What do you get when you mix a Patrick Stewart voice-over, a phone commercial, the gorgeous Milla Jovovich, and zombies? RESIDENT EVIL 5: The Quest For Peace! Resident Evil: Electric Boogaloo. Or, Resident Evil: Retribution, if you will. Watch the trailer, fellow Trailer Watchers! (continue reading…)

Coming October 29th to the SyFy Channel, is an Asylum original movie starring VING RHAMES: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

A shocking twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan’s increasingly terrible movies.  The brain is the zombie!  A news story that is the best motivation never to diet:

Like other parts of the body, brain cells begin to eat themselves as a last-ditch source of energy to ward off starvation, a study found.

The body responds by producing fatty acids, which turn up the hunger signal in the brain and increase our impulse to eat. . . .

Tests on mice found that stopping the brain cells from eating themselves – a process known as autophagy – prevented levels of hunger from rising in response to starvation.

Exciting news from our Ancient Hollywood Satellite Office in Burbank!  Archeologists have unearthed the world’s earliest known M. Night Shyamalan film.  The discovery calls into question previously accepted notions about filmmaker and noted twist-ending enthusiast Shyamalan.  Experts originally accepted as fact that Shyamalan burst onto the motion picture scene with 1999′s Sixth Sense.  Recent evidence suggests otherwise.

The evidence in question is 1933′s The Ghoul, starring Boris Karloff.  Skeptics point out that The Ghoulwas made four decades prior to Shyamalan’s birth.  But neither Shyamalan nor the state of Hawaii have been able to produce a birth certificate.  Now, why do archeologist’s and Jesse Ventura now argue that the Ghoul is the handiwork of Mr. Shyamalan?

Let us examine the motion picture and see if we can find the proof: (continue reading…)